She withdrew from the crowd, those she thought of as friends did not feel like friends much. Sure, she was their friend but what was the true meaning of ‘friend’ really? Could it be that some times there existed a tendency of hyping up just an acquaintance for the sake of human company? They told her what they would refer as ‘secrets’, but were they really their true secrets? Those that one could never even mistakenly let out even as just a slip of the tongue to anyone, those were what she thought secrets were or at least those are what her secrets were about. These others, she found, were just the things people thought could jeopardize their reputation, no matter how small it was in their even smaller circles. What was the sense of engaging in all those funny and/or risky behaviors if they were going to leave one anxious about what someone else thought? What of what one thought of oneself? Honestly, she sometimes thought them miserably desperate, the lot of them.
Then again, for where we see the world as we are, maybe she was the one who was miserable and desperate. Chances were, it was her, she would never boldly or confidently deny it really, the possibility that they were just a reflection of her. Empty, hollow, sad sometimes bordering hopelessness. Wasn’t there really nothing more to life? Was this all there was? Is it what she was made to do, be unchaste, hurt, lie she was okay, pretend she understood what the others were going through and moments of borderline debauchery? Ah! She was tired! Where was here even? Where did she come from? Who was she? Well, she did know who her parents were and was fully aware of her names but… Where was all this coming from and for how long was it going to go on? Did she have to be a part of it? All these existential questions cost her many a night of good sleep. What was the thing about all this life business anyway? Could she find out, find the answers perhaps, for sanity’s sake? She would try, she made up her mind, even if it was the last thing she would do. She did not mind dying while at it anyways, she no longer felt that afraid of death, many are the times she barely felt alive. Furthermore, what other better thing did she have to do with this her now dim uninteresting life? Maybe the only thing she risked was an adventure.
The journey saw her embark on one of self. Who she was, she found, was who she had always been scared to be, for one reason or the other. Mostly because she knew they would find her weird and strange because it is how they had defined her when she was just a little girl growing in all her authenticity. Where she was fierce, they had sought to tone it down, where she would fire up, they pushed for control, where ever she turned up bright they asked for a little bit of dim and where she sought comfort running wild, she had to be tamed because after all she was a lady and a lady must! Ah, wretched dogma!
Where she found herself was the real sad, she lets out. After searching to where that little free girl that was once her had gone, she found her deep in a cold dark pit in the middle of a really dry valley. She sat whimpering at a corner, surrounded by this thick darkness. She was scared. “Hi sweetie,” she had approached cautiously, “How did you end up here?” The little girl looked up with a tear-stained face and said, “I was running away, then I fell. I did not know how to get out. I screamed and screamed for help, no one seemed to hear. After a while, no one seemed to even notice I was gone. Eventually, all I had for company was all this darkness and the light is way up there where I can hardly reach.” It wasn’t completely dark in the hole, the little girl shone with some light, but she did not seem to realize it. After years of being surrounded by the darkness, it must’ve been all she saw now yet, she was the light that shone her space in that hole. She agreed though, they had to get out of here first. “Listen, on my way down here I made out steps for a way out, where we can hold and pull without letting go. Eventually we will get to the light up there, but you have to promise me one thing.” “What?” the little girl looked up at her curiously. “That on our way up, you will remind me how to be you again, and that when we finally get out, we will remember to be, fight if we have to, to maintain.” “It is you,” the little girl looked glowing with excitement, “It is you I have waited for all my life since!”
Well, turned out to be quite a treacherous climb out and sometimes eventful in all honesty, from how she tells it. On their way up apparently, the light above and that which came from within would shine and reflect on what appeared to be gems towards the wider brim of the pit. In their fall and descent, these edges, they figured, were what had scratched and scathed them. Now they served as their hold and provision on their way out. Little by little, she had found herself again in the little girl and the little girl in her. By the time they made it out, they were practically one. It had taken a lot of forgiveness and healing to make it out together, but for their harmony they fought to keep alive because they knew they needed each other to actually live.
She was a completely changed person since, she lets out, and life has found more meaning now. She had found, embraced and accepted herself for who she really. Every day though, is a fight to maintain, but it is okay, she has nothing better than this to do with her life anyways. She does enjoy finding new things and ways about her. What other people thought did not seem to matter much now, what mattered most, she found, was what she thought of about herself. She was glad for the lessons growing up, turned out that they were not quite seeking to be unfair with her, they had all been just teachers. Now, because of all she had gone through, she knew where the boundaries stood and how far and out wild, she could run. She had an idea of how deep her fire could burn and the importance of its temperature’s moderation where needed. She was definitely free to be fierce, but gently and calmly for dignity’s sake, after all, she really was a lady. As for being bright, she was after all light and that, she continues to embrace as her most beautiful trait. In the end, from loving and understanding herself, she learnt how to love and hold others with empathy and genuineness. After all, one can never pour from an empty cup.
“Be unapologetically you, no one else can hack being you than you,” she finishes off with a warm smile.
Cheers!
